Wednesday, January 2, 2013

I Resent My Yoga Teacher.

I secretly resent my yoga teacher for being too perfect: She is calm, balanced, wise, and articulate; she has a perfect body, perfect hair, a pretty face, and now a perfect pregnant belly to match. She even smells good, which I noticed one day when she got close to correct my pose. I have not washed my hair since Saturday and ate cookies for dinner tonight. A haiku would really help. You teach me yoga And how to loathe myself. Bitch. Downward facing dog

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Why Do People Confuse Lose and Loose?

Have you done this one? if so, please's griping my nerves! Lose and Loose. I'm shocked about how folks cannot use these words correctly. L.P.

The word "lose" means to "not win" and can mean "misplace"
But "loose" means slutty or pants that have extra space
Don't be a silly goose
Think Bullwinkle the moose
If the Dervish taught class, the spelling test you'd ace!

Saturday, October 29, 2011

There is a Difference Between Your and You're.

One of the most common grammar mistakes is your/you're and it makes me crazy. Seems few of my Facebook friends know the difference. A limerick please, to help them learn.

"You're" with an apostrophe means "you are"
"Your" is possessive, like "this is your car"
Days on Facebook show
This rule, so few know
Apathy? Ignorance? Please raise the bar.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Cyclists Who Don't Warn They're Approaching

I'm a runner in an area where there are a lost of cyclists. Could you write something about cyclists who fail to give the customary "on your left" warning before coming up behind me? It frequently scares me half to death, knocks me out of my zone, and is in general just rude and inconsiderate. D.D.

I jog along and you scare me half to death
Can't you just shout out "coming through on your left?"
Cyclists' silence is a blunder
Almost put me six feet under
I've seen sharper minds from those on meth

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Yapping Dog While I Try to Meditate

Please write a little something about the yippee dog in my neighborhood. I love having my windows open but this dog drives me kuh-ray-ZEE! This morning, during my meditation, my thoughts went off as thoughts tend to do. But, you know where mine went? I'm not proud to say but I got a picture in my mind's eye of someone taking a gun to that dog. Oh my. Good about Massachusetts' gun laws.

During my morning meditation
Fifi next door yelps causing frustration
I long for her to stifle
Good thing I have no rifle
That bitch needs a larynx castration

Monday, August 8, 2011

Misusing "it's" and "its"

Possibly the most pervasive grammar mistake.

Look..."it apostrophe s" means it is
without the apostrophe...possessive
it's really not very hard
unless your brain's made of lard
seems a lot of people missed that pop quiz

Friday, April 22, 2011

The Inappropriate and Excessive Use of the Word Epic.

My current peeve is the inappropriate and excessive use of the word "epic." What can you whip up for me? -L.D.B

The word "epic" is overused by so many teens
Lip gloss can't be epic and neither can jeans
Your ignorance can't hide
As said in Princess Bride
I do not think you know what that word means

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Loud Shoes in the Library

People whose shoes make too much noise in the library. Watching girls struggle to walk in 4+ inch heels is funny, but hearing them walk all the way across the silent study floor is a pain. M.S.

The library's no place for inappropriate shoes
The squeaking and clunking, you're not winning, you lose
Is your brain putty?
We're here to study
Please slip into something quiet, lose those Jimmy Choos

Monday, April 4, 2011

Huggers Who Hug Too Much & Wear Fragrance

It just doesn't seem right that some people insist on hugging you every single time they see you, especially when they wear volatile cologne that is permanently transferred to your body and clothing upon contact. I started my day freshly washed and now I have to spend the rest of the day stinking like someone else.
I think a limerick would help.

You hug me and you reek of cologne
I'd prefer you just leave me alone
Bodily engagement
Causes enragement
Now I smell like each fragrance you own

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Sportscasters Hatin' on VCU During March Madness.

Sportscasters hatin' on VCU during March Madness. C.S.

Lee Corso once predicted the Hokies would lose
And BAM lightning struck his car, wasn't no blown fuse
So give VCU a chance
At this year's Big Dance
Or you'll take back words, like old lovers' names on tattoos